【悲惨世界】【e/R】The Colour Page【全文完】2
Title: The Colour Page
Fandom: Les Miserables - All Media Types
Relationship: Enjolras/Grantaire
ABC是Association for Based Creations的缩写（凑缩写而已 反正就是个同人组织）. Enjolras作为ABC的首领是那个提出要搞ao3的人。Grantaire是fandom顾问。俩人就一起工作争吵
直到我R再也忍不了了，并且开始把自己原来所爱的人事物都加到了攻击对象里。
Chapter 5
Eponine arrived thirty minutes later, knocking Grantaire’s door like she hated the door for banning her from seeing her friend sooner.
Grantaire opened the door and Eponine flied into his unprepared arms. He took a few steps back to restore their balance.
“Thanks for welcoming me even when you just woke up in the afternoon, R. I love you.” Eponine said to his neck.
Grantaire patted her on her back, gently, holding her tighter.
“It’s okay, I’m okay. Hey, just tell me what happened. Have some faith on my delicate mental health.”
Eponine let him go, and studied him worriedly.
He smiled as good-looking as he can: “Just trust me. I won’t collapse before you this time. You know you need me now, and I’m right here.”
She looked persuaded. Grantaire closed the door and brought her to the living room. There were a few bottles of wine on the table, some nearly empty and some half full. Grantaire didn’t prepare them. There was no need to prepare alcohol in his flat.
Eponine sat in the sofa, looking at the ceiling absent-mindedly while Grantaire poured a bottle of hot water for her. She had definitely cried on her way here.
“‘Ponine?” Grantaire asked softly.
She took the cup, drank, and tears started to fill up her beautiful eyes again. “I…I attended a book-sighing this afternoon. I should still be attending it now but I got out early.” She took Grantaire’s hand, and breathed, “I was invited because last month I sent the publisher some short stories and the feedbacks are actually quite good. So they included me in one of their short story collections. And there was also a girl, Cosette, the same as my age, who wrote One Day More, you know? There was also some of her stories in that collection.”
Grantaire nodded quietly with patience. He had already linked some informations together. He knew Eponine invited Marius Pontmercy to the book-signing. She told him a few days ago and had been expecting it for over a week.
“Some of my fans, mostly my fanfic readers heard about it and rushed to the signing. I was so flattered and was trying hard to show them my best self. And, you know, I was not even looking at him and definitely not happy only for his attendance and…”
Eponine paused sharply, like too much sourness blocked her up, preventing her from saying anything. She chuckled suddenly, sounded dry and ironic.
“He was talking to her. She was talking to him. And, you know, the dramatic part was that…I knew that girl, I recalled her. She lived with me for approximately a year when I was 6 or 7 years old.”
Grantaire blinked. “Cosette?”
“Cosette. Blond, pale little Cosette.”
Eponine fell into her memories for a little while, and Grantraire just waited. He had turned out the light in the room when pouring Ep hot water, so there was only darkness outside the window.
“My memories are not specific. Her mother was some runaway bride from a big family. We didn’t know who her father was and took care of her for a year while her mother was under treatment in a mental hospital, during which she met a man and married him. She died that winter and Cosette’s step father took her away soon.”
Grantaire couldn’t help himself imagining a story between Cosette’s mother and her step father. That man met a woman in her worst state, fell in love with her, and raised her child for twenty years.
Eponine nodded: “Yeah, what a beautiful story, right? I think she wrote it in One Day More and I just didn’t recognise it before.”
“Then what happened? What happened made you run out of a signing full of your fans?”
“I was going to greet her at first. I wanted to say hello and told her how much I loved her book and suddenly, suddenly I saw his face. R, I saw his face. Full of fondness and…crush.”
Eponine smiled, which broke Grantaire’s heart.
“They love each other, at their first sight.”
Grantaire felt sorry for himself.
He had woke up in the afternoon, then listened to his best friend’s lamentable love story, now lying on the floor, drunk.
Actually, his Eponine knew her blind love every rationally. She had been trying to give up on this half-hearted love. Today was just another push, a fatal one. He could see how Eponine was saying farewell to her past by drinking with him, while he was just burying his own frustration in alcohol once again.
The first time he saw Enjolras…the first time he saw his Apollo was in a ice cream polar, and Enjolras was drinking milk shake. Vanilla flavour. And as that man faced the sun, he casted no shadow.
Grantaire drained the last drop from the bottle near his feet, then tossed it even further. He crawled to his phone, checking notifications. He tried very hard to read Marius’ text, but maybe because he was too drunk, Marius entirely made no sense.
oh my god do you know her
What the hell could that mean?
Grantaire looked back to see Eponine sleeping peacefully, exhausted, leaning on his sofa. He lay back on the floor again, and texted Marius back.
whatthehelldoyou need somewine
The light looked dizzy on the ceiling. Grantaire thought of that website, AO3. He was really surprised because he didn’t thought Enjolras would pick up a nickname like that. Maybe he inherited his parents’ non-tasting taste about giving name.
Enjolras.
He portrayed that name by his lips.
Then again, and again.
Marius texted another two messages, describing the same story he had heard from Ep in a reversed view. That man was so blessed. Marius Pontmercy was raised in a wealthy family, being loved by some one as perfect as Ep, holding Enjolras’ precious patience as if he was a little brother to him, and now, had just met his fated lover, who also fell for him instantly.
How could God be unfair like this?
Grantaire was on tumblr when Enjolras’ message arrived. He didn’t realise it was from Enjolras but his instinct pointed directly to Apollo after he finished reading it, no matter how much his sanity disagree.
He couldn’t prevent himself from replying.
He blurted out something, hit “send” button faultily, then blurted even more things without even a hint of logic. Enjolras of course didn’t text back. Grantaire eventually started to think and…how could he didn’t think of the possibility that Enjolras simply sent that message to the wrong person?
Not healthy to drink so late. Obviously he meant the last sentence of Marius’ mass texted message.
He was nearly beaten up by his frustration and self pity and the killing desire to own that message with Enjolras’ typical way to show his concern. He fucking envied Marius. He envied Marius so much that he disdain himself. Eponine knew the feeling to want something or someone so eagerly and deeply into the bone when they were just not yours. Eponine knew it, Enjolras didn’t, nor did Marius, nor did Combeferre or Courf or Cosette.
Grantaire felt vaguely that his phone buzzed. It was Enjolras. He could tell by the vibration. He had set his vibration different from other people in his contacts.
Sorry, I was reading. Voltaire. Yes I think it is great for Marius. Do you think it is good for AO3 to category works based on fandoms and relationships?
So he didn’t know about Eponine. What a truth. Grantaire’s biggest thing in this day didn’t worth an awareness of others.
He answered the question about AO3 carefully but with some…some detestation. It was very cruel to think the whole thing in this way, he was aware of it and didn’t know how to restore his interest back.
To sort and filter works by tags and relationships. Grantaire had been thinking of it for a while. He wanted to build some illusion like Enjolras and him secretly shared many ideas. But he failed.
Tell me a way to praise you without making you think it perfunctory.
Wow, that was something new. Grantaire laughed at that message dryly. Enjolras was in a very good mood, because of Marius’ love life, while he and his best friend in a unprecedentedly shitty one for the same reason.
Do you know I love you? More than Marius’ love towards his shining new girl？
He typed these for sheer vent and deleted the whole sentence as soon as he can. He let the cursor ticked for a few seconds before texted drink with me and hit send.
Grantaire threw his phone on the sofa, then did one last thing before falling asleep. He grabbed Eponine’s phone and deleted the two massages from Marius.
Chapter 6
The website had been tested within a small group for nearly a month, and the feedbacks were quite beyond their expectation. Writers liked AO3, readers liked it even more.
Friday happened to be the end of that month, so Enjolras decided to officially put AO3 online as an object of the party. Marius would be ecstatic, and Cosette would be totally amazed by them. He discussed it with Combeferre, Courfeyrac kissed him for that suggestion.
“So you finally dare to give birth to your child!” Courfeyrac cheered.
Combeferre smirked, because he liked Courfeyrac too much.
“OUR child.” Enjolras corrected him dryly.
Courf didn’t deny this time, he kind of enjoyed Enjolras calling AO3 their child. Enjolras had known that he sometimes appreciate his blond hair and pretty face sexually, like the way he even adored Grantaire drunk and his daily fantasy about Eponine.
“Did you invited Eponine?” he asked before walking out of Musain.
Courfeyrac’s eyes widened: “How would I even dare to?”
“I invited her.” Comberferre interrupted calmly, “And she said she had already been invited by Marius.”
Courfeyrac suddenly stopped walking.
Enjolras frowned: “She was and acquaintance with Marius?”
“They grew up together.”
“What the fuck.”
Something from far away popped into Enjolras’ mind. About three years ago, that was another remarkable day between him and Grantaire. Grantaire kind of lost his temper thoroughly due to alcohol and some comment Enjolras had made of him and he just shouted at Enjolras with all the taunt he could build.
Grantaire thought his justice cared too less about people’s lives in reality, about right now. And so did he, the fearless leader.
A selfish idealist. He said.
“I don’t even know you really…”
“What?” Combeferre might have sensed what he was thinking, “You mean Eponine?”
“How long have you two been closed enough that you could be the one who invited her to our party?”
Combeferre sighed: “I sent her the first message last month. We went for dinner several times.”
“You two were on a date?”
“No. And I kind of figured out the reason.”
“Then why?”
Combeferre flinched. He never flinched.
“I don’t want to talk about it now, Enjolras.”
Friday night came faster than Enjolras’ expectation. He wanted to dig out more informations about Eponine and Marius. He asked Grantaire of course, who ignored his message intendedly and replied everything else Enjolras sent him. There was something Grantaire blamed him for, Enjolras could sense it, but couldn't figure what.
He and Combeferre texted everyone involved in the AO3 project who are mostly also acquainted with either Marius or the ABC. Courfeyrac had gone early to Marius’ preparing the party and some surprise for Cosette. And Eponine had gone early too, which left Grantaire wondering on the internet aimlessly for over an hour.
AO3 had a backstage data base. Enjolras recognised capital R’s IP almost instantly and followed it to various fanfics within an extremely huge range. Grantaire knew almost everything about fandoms, of movies, comics, tv series and even animations. He found that Grantaire seemed prefer English literatures, for he intendedly searched fanfics such as Ten Things About Darcy and Binley.
Men or women, they all seemed the very same to Enjolras. He barely noticed one with his/her gender. As he might think, Eponine and Marius kind of had a similar sex. He indeed saw many common details shared by the two after he knew about their history. Enjolras always had a well-functioned brain and he figured out very quickly that the day Marius met Cosette was very likely to be the day Eponine’s heart broke.
That was why Combeferre had flinched, and also why Grantaire had felt some sort of strange that night.
Grantaire seemed had been drunk, more than a daily level, turning him into his typical passive-aggressive mode deeper than usual.
Enjolras was reading the same fanfic Grantaire was reading when he got the massage from Courfeyrac, telling him it was time to go. He left the webpage there and saw Grantaire logging out while closing the database. He must have received the same message then.
He didn’t overcome the temptation to text Grantaire. What a peeping tom. He mocked himself inwardly.
I will drop by and catch you. Don’t let the wine go to your brain.
The expected reply came seconds later.
how can you even know im drinking before the party
Enjolras didn’t reply to that. He was relieved. It was not a refuse and certainly not a question about the reason of his suddenly consideration. Grantaire accepted him like he always had, which was very a kindness, a tenderness, but as well as a cruelty.
A cruelty not to Enjolras, but to the cynic himself.
As in any other day, Grantaire hated the sunset. He loved the upcoming night which would help him to hide, he just wished that daylight could be turned to a darkness all of a sudden, sparing him the suffering to see it dying out.
It was like seeing Apollo die.
There was already alcohol in his blood, so he was going to walk to avoid the crowd in the metro station. Then Enjolras’ message came.
Grantaire was in a good mood, which made him partly ignored Enjolras’ motivation to offer him a ride. His brain wanted to figure out why. He always wanted to know everything about that blond bastard, but he could try to suppress that urge for a while.
Enjoras was waiting in the car when he came out. And judging by his facial expression and body language, he was not impatient. Grantaire knew, immediately, that Enjolras came here for a reason.
Why the fuck did he feel disappointed about this conclusion.
He walked to the car, opened the door, and tottered in without a word. Enjolras glanced at him and his wine bottle, making no comment.
“I thought Eponine would come with you.” Enjolras finally said.
“No. She went early to help them.” Grantaire failed to not roll his eyes, “Help Marius, more precisely.”
“Yeah, I kind of become aware of that.”
Enjolras consciously looked out of his side of the window. So it is. Grantaire thought. It was the reason behind this ride. Because he couldn't get anymore information from Grantaire just through texting. For some reason, Enjolras seemed suddenly become interested in this Eponine-Marius-Cosette triangle.
Grantaire really thought for a moment, and drank, then asked.
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why are you suddenly interested in their…whatever.”
Enjolras winced: “I didn’t know they knew each other until recently.”
“They fucking grew up together.”
“I know it, at least now.”
There was an intense silence after that. Then, Grantaire sighed.
“What do you want to know from me?”
“Is Eponine…dose she still have a crush on Marius?”
The question sent a hysterical laugh to Grantaire’s throat: “Honestly, I don’t know. She has been trying to give up for a while. But you know, this kind of things never work in this way. It’s not like you could just decide to stop feeling it one day and you succeed within an hour. Not every one is like you, Apollo, such focus, such self-control, so sure about yourself all the time—”
Grantaire shut up. He had said too much. He knew he had. But things also didn’t work in this way, in which he told himself not to confess, not to expect, then he didn’t.
To dig himself out of self-pity, he chose the alcohol to blame.
But however he hated this situation, Grantaire always wanted so, so badly, to reveal everything to Enjolras. He could, but he wouldn’t. He just felt the desire all the time.
“Sorry.” he pitched his nose bridge hardly, and exhaled, “It’s just…Eponine. I witnessed too much pain in her through all these years. She deserves better.”
Grantaire could feel how Enjolras had been provoked at first and then softened because of his follow-up words, and how he was still annoyed by Grantaire’s sudden outburst.
“I understand.” he finally said.
They remained peace and quiet for the rest drive. But something had been pierced. They separated and headed for different direction as soon as they entered Corinthe.
Chapter 7
Corinthe had been a Sherlock Holmes theme cafe in its first year. The second year, its owner decorated a quarter of it into a Doctor Who fan club. And three years later, it has three floors and five different themes, the third floor of which had become a gathering place for ABC since last August.
Some customers in the first floor greeted Enjolras and toasted their drinks to Grantaire. Grantaire toasted back, using it as an excuse to pull himself away from Enjolras. He had started feeling uncomfortable near his Apollo for a while. He needed to breathe.
“R!”
He was called by a familiar voice. When he turned, he saw a sweet girl with a beautiful long black hair raised from her seat and headed for him.
Floreal wore a TARDIS shape blue dress, looking incredibly in character. Of course that dress was designed by herself. She was a goddess in designing.
“Hello, my lady.” he hugged her and kissed her on her cheeks, “You look amazing.”
“Thanks, I know it.”
Floreal finally let him go, looking at the end of the footstep, and smirked at him.
“Is that blond guy your Apollo?”
“He is not mine.”
“He will be.”
“Oh just fuck that.”
Grantaire felt really tired of all this.
“What?” Floreal jerked her head a little, “You are R. You can just paint something for him and sent it as a birthday gift and he will be totally yours at the first glance of your fanart. What’s his favourite fandom?”
“Star Trek.”
“Oh,” that girl blinked, “which happen to be the only fandom you don’t have too much work about, no matter how much and how long you’ve been into it. I think I finally figure out the reason. You really don’t know they once had a debate about this ‘why doesn't R do Star Trek’ thing, do you?”
Grantaire chuckled: “They are hilarious.”
Floreal stared him for a moment, and then, looking like she eventually made some decision, she pushed Grantaire to the stairs.
“Up you go, my Turner, Van Gogh and Caravaggio. He looks beautiful enough for you, maybe even good enough, judging by his reaction when he saw me hugging you.”
“I won’t believe you!”
“You should.”
Cosette turned out to be a sweetheart, who seemed very smart but blushed every time Marius looked at her. They were in love. And Eponine was not alright. Grantaire drank most time of the party in a corner, with a furious heart, seeing how Eponine smiled at Marius, even once pushed Cosette to him and laughed.
He needed to be drunk, so everything were a little blurry after 11 pm. Courfeyrac tried to pull him into their mess several times. The last kick was almost half an hour ago, which Grantaire just kissed away, on Courf’s lips, with a breath full of wine.
At eleven thirty, everything started.
First of all, Enjolras called for a full attention. People stopped in a few seconds. Enjolras nodded at Combeferre, then Combeferre changed the Powerpoint to another page, containing some test datas of AO3.
“This is the data for a month and some comments. And by all these, I think it’s time to push our Archive to the public.” Combeferre closed the Powerpoint and opened the backstage of AO3, “I talked this with Jehan, we all think that some people should be honoured more straightforwardly. So we put a picture generated by names on the main page—I know it’s kind of personal, and thus unprofessional. But I think we deserve it.”
Then he opened the main page of AO3, and there was the picture. Grantaire mentally praised the person or the machine that generated this, since it looked quite good even through such a strict eye of him. Enjolras’ name was in the center, coloured red, surrounded by all the other names. Grantaire recognised his own mark of R beside Enjolras, in green, but in a smaller size. Then he realise that it was not just his mark, it was his full name, in which only “R” was capital and bold.
That was really good. So he whistled at it.
Eponine’s name was in black. Suited her. Marius’ name also in black but twisted with some golden lines in representative of Cosette. The girl gasped at those lines.
“So I suppose everyone is satisfied with it?”
People either nodded or smiled, except Grantaire.
Even Combeferre chose to be tolerant. Enjolras was the one who approached him for the first time in this night, wincing.
Enjolras’ voice was cold and heartless.
“Are you satisfied with it, R?”
Grantaire didn’t answer. He didn’t know how. He didn’t want his friends who made this upset but was also not willing to admit in such an ambushed and challenged condition.
Enjolras looked straight into his eyes and clinched his jaw, starting to say something.
Grantaire interrupted abruptly.
“Really, Apollo? Really?” his tune was full of faked surprise and irony, “Do you really care about my opinion as such?”
“Or what? You sound like you prefer me not to care.”
“Spare me.” Grantaire laughed bitterly.
Enjolras shook his head: “What, Grantaire. What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you really not able to be cooperated just once? Not even for your friends, for yourself, for something you really love and dedicate into?”
Again, he didn’t answer. He couldn’t. He couldn't put Eponine’s half secret out there in the bare light. And Enjolras knew he couldn't and used it. Fuck him.
“Grantaire, after all, it was you who offered to be in this…and I, I thought you finally changed—”
What?
Courfeyrac suddenly went all pale in the background, and mouthed him a “sorry”.
This was hilarious.
Something left him, he felt both relieved and killed. He took his time to stand up, drank his wine dry, before he stepped out of his corner and passed Enjolras, to Eponine.
“Are you going with me or not?” he asked quietly.
Eponine’s face went totally blank for a splint second, and all her distorted smile was gone after this moment. She seemed back to herself again.
“Okay, let’s go.” she took Grantaire’s left arm and walked directly to the stair.
“‘Ponine!”
“Grantaire!”
Marius and Enjolras called at the same time. Marius sounded frightened and Enjolras furious.
“For what it’s worth, Grantaire. At least show some respect to what you’ve been liking for years!”
Grantaire literally couldn't help himself this time.
“Respect? Are we talking about respect now?” he turned to face the leader in red, “Can I ask some respect for Eponine then? Can I ask some respect for the alcohol in my blood? I can’t do anything. I’m not able to do anything, or be anyone, Enjolras. Can you respect this? Can you ‘at least’ fucking accept this!”
Marius flinched, “Eponine? What…what’s the matter with—”
“Would you please shut up, boy! Just go back hooking up with your shiny new girl and leave us alone!”
“Grantaire.”
This time was Combeferre, in a warning tune.
Eponine was shaking. Grantaire knew he had fucked up. But, again, he couldn’t control himself.
“And to you, my Apollo.” he tried to smile but gave up, “Whatever. I repeat. Whatever. I indeed didn’t offer to join, and I think it’s my cue to leave now.”
He paused for a moment, and swallowed.
“You know, I,” he breathed, “I literally can’t leave you. But I’m dealing with that. Hope it won’t be a big problem. Maybe I could just die in this procedure. That would be better, and easier.”
Whatever Enjolras was going to say, died in his throat.
Chapter 8
He and Eponine got drunk together, and by tasting the alcohol in his brain, he knew they needed to get high. Eponine smiled softly and agreed him cheerfully.
It always made him hurt, that Eponine could be so tender and clawless when she was partly unconscious. And that made him angry as well, although he knew it was not anyone’s fault—and the same with his condition.
They went out of a pub and headed for another, one Eponine called “a good place for getting high”. Grantaire didn’t want his mind to slip into anywhere near the fearless leader, so he thought of Eponine and her connection with the getting-high pub……well, Montparnasse, maybe. He could only recall some vague name of a man who was handsome and filthy.
“Thank you, R, for dragging me out of the fucking party.” Eponine tried to put an arm around his shoulder but failed. Her arm missed his shoulder and almost hit his head.
“Oi.” he complained, then pulled her arm and put it on his shoulder.
She smiled shamelessly: “Sorry.”
By the time they reached Montparnasse’s pub, they were singing and dancing while magically walking at the same time. Grantaire was hardly going to raise his one foot to step in the pub when he realised, suddenly, unbelievably, Eponine disappeared.
“What the……Ep……”
He stepped out, looking around, and found nothing. He winced and looked around again. Still nothing.
“Behind you. Turn around.”
A voice came out of nowhere. Definitely nowhere. A voice that sent some sting to his head because, well, that voice seemed to belong to an annoying person. After almost half a minute, he remembered that he had forgot to check his back.
So he turned around, as the voice had ordered.
And there was Eponine.
There were Combeferre and Enjolras as well.
Combeferre was busy checking Eponine’s state, making sure she was alright. He visibly relieved when he found out that it was just some alcohol. And more strangely, Eponine seemed totally comfortable leaning on Combeferre’s chest.
The world could always slam him for something he didn’t know.
Combeferre just let Eponine rest on his shoulder and looked at Enjolras, who was starring at Grantaire like Grantaire just swallowed a elephant or something.
Then he remembered, everything. The two-hour-drinking was thrown in vain.
“I need to take care of her.” Combeferre said quietly, sighing.
Enjolras didn’t answer him, he just nodded. Grantaire laughed at it because he looked like giving a permission to his dearest lieutenant. But Combeferre somehow accepted that and left with Eponine.
The leaving of the third guy sucked away all his gut to laugh anymore.
They stayed silent for a long suffocating second. Enjolras didn’t even shifte. Grantaire had a feel that he was being tortured by his Apollo, with a even more ridiculous feeling that his Apollo also suffered in this second.
“Grantaire.” Enjolras called his name.
“Yes?”
Enjolras stared for a second longer, and sighed, and closed his eyes.
“I’m sorry.”
Grantaire smirked himself inwardly. He really didn't want to hear this.
So he took his way bypass Enjolras and started walking away.
“No.” Enjolras protested immediately, “Grantaire. Grantaire please don’t go.”
Grantaire pretended to be deaf, more to himself than to Enjolras. His intended deafness enraged Enjolras and Grantaire felt his wrist caught, very tightly.
He narrowed his eyes.
“Let to of me.”
Enjolras of course didn’t obey.
“Come on, Apollo, what’s the point of it?”
“What’s the point of what?”
“What’s the point of not letting me go? What’s the point of your apology? Of all your effort to mend this?” Grantaire turned and looked Enjolras in the eye, “What’s the point of all this, Enjolras? You don’t even want me there, so what’s the point of coming out and looking for me? Oh, wait, maybe not me. You were looking for Eponine, right? Combeferre might have made you out. So what’s the point of pretending to care? Spare me some dignity!”
“I’m not pretending to care.”
Enjolras chose this one to deny, of all the other questions. Good.
Grantaire must have revealed his thoughts on his face, because Enjolras looked bitter all of a sudden.
“You believe it or not, I am not pretending. And why don’t you stop pretending that you don’t care?”
Grantaire felt weak, and shook his head: “Please, you are not cruel enough to use this. I just told you this two hours ago. You’re not heartless enough to adapt so quickly about this.”
“So you are telling me that to use your own damage against me is merciful?”
Grantaire laughed. His heartbeat accelerated. He couldn’t tell how much pain he was in, because the adrenaline took all the calm away from him. The adrenaline was reasonable, seriously, as this indeed was a fatal position for him. He needed to survive.
“Here we are again, Apollo. You are trying to fool me that you care. Maybe you are trying to fool yourself as well and you don’t even realise it.”
Enjolras’ hold tightened. “Fuck it, Grantaire. You are the one who are trying to lie to yourself. Or you won’t even think saying this to me can hurt me in anyway.”
Again, Enjolras stabbed him right on his heart. Top mark. The middle of the bull’s eye.
Enjolras was right. They knew each other too well, somehow.
And by this unexplainable tacitness, they both knew that Enjolras had went too far again in this night. Grantaire had also been too far once by outbursting to everyone earlier, so it was a 2-1.
And by the same unexplainable tacitness, Enjolras loosened his grip the same time Grantaire shook his hand off.
Grantaire hesitated for a moment, then started leaving. The sound of his steps slipping away sent a shell-shock coldness into Enjolras’ spine and he panicked.
His lips was trembling harder than he could ever imagine.
“No.” he whispered, “Please. Please don’t leave me.”
That made Grantaire suddenly locked in where he had been, deadly.
He couldn’t. Whomever he was trying to be—whomever he was trying to persuade himself to be, he couldn’t ignore such a clear and eager require from Enjolras.
He also couldn’t turn to look at Enjolras, because he was already too cruel to himself.
“I was not pretending.” after a long moment, Enjolras finally started, “To care, to try to do something about us, to apologise. However many excuses I can make for my self, I know I was no-doubtly wrong to judge you and control you in such a way. It was just……I should have been always reminding myself this, but Courf told me you offered to help and heartly approved my idea about AO3 and that got me too carried away.”
Grantaire was wincing, with an obvious tiredness.
“I…don’t think I know what you are talking about.”
“I want to yell at you all the time, yes. I disapprove of you most of the time, yes. You are quite annoying sometime, you know. And I despise your attitude towards life, yes. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.”
“Ok, if you do, then how sick are you? To despise and scorn someone you care about all the time? What a pervert!”
Enjolras sighed: “Be serious.”
“You know I am wild.” Grantaire’s voice darkened, “Use English, Enjolras. I’m not going to stand in this freezing night and listen to you contemning me.”
“I’m not—” Enjolras stopped himself from another turn of useless arguing. He winced, and stepped a little closer to Grantaire, “Are you cold?”
“Stop this.”
“Ok.” Enjolras bowed his head and prepared himself.
Grantaire’s heart was pounding. But whatever Enjolras was going to say, to hurt him further or deeper, he knew he had already failed to leave this man. We are drawn to what we lack. Grantaire thought bitterly.
“It sounds ridiculous, because that was not just care.” Enjolras said steadily, “It was love, or need, whichever you prefer.”
The moment Enjolras said out was the moment Grantaire understood that he had already knew this, for quite a long time. Though he still needed some explanation for his logical part.
“What.”
“We are tied together, Grantaire. I thought you had already realised it? It’s not like you can ever push me away. And I can’t, as well.”
“Yes, you’re right. I can’t.” he admitted as soon as he could because he couldn’t deny it even by given millions of years, “But Enjolras……I thought what really happened was me trying to offer you everything I have while I don’t have anything you want.”
Someone passing by gave them a very sneering look and Enjolras didn’t even noticed.
He just looked up, and approached himself to Grantaire, and put a hand on the side of Grantaire’s neck like he was going to kiss him. He thumb stroked Grantaire’s face gently.
Fuck, the sun was burning, in the midnight, in front of Grantaire.
“Indeed, you have something I want.” he said slowly, “Something I need, more precisely. As we all know, everything has a risk. And I’m aware that the path I’ve chosen is even more risky than a normal one. I know I…may not last one day and, to be honest, I am afraid. So, in the end, I want someone to…to collect me. I want you to be there to collect me. I want to collected by you and rest beside you.—Is that too much to ask?”
Grantaire was chocked and his Apollo was so, so sincere.
Grantaire laughed.
“Do you really have to stick to your things about democracy and equality and ask?”
They were so mean to be together.
Enjolras clinched his jaw: “I was not going to, if not because of all what happened recently. I could have not.”
Something clicked in the back of Grantaire’s mind and his eye widened.
“Yes, we could have avoid this.” he casually put his hands on Enjolras’ waist, shaking head with disbelief, “We were set up. Fuck. Courfeyrac. Maybe also Combeferre behind him.”
Enjolras’ thumb stopped for a moment. He thought everything through, and nodded dryly. “You are right.”
“What a shame.”
“Yeah.”
So Enjolras leaned in and kissed him.
Finally.
“You taste like alcohol.”
“So what.”
“Nothing.”
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